Soon to be a family of 6 (plus a really big dog)

 

I'm sure the picture says it all...we are expecting our 4th child this summer, just in time hopefully for our 5th wedding anniversary.  I've literally been waiting months to make this announcement but the timing never seemed right.  In the past my hubby and I have always been eager to share the exciting news with family and friends, but this time was different.

As many of you know, I have always wanted to try for a family of 4...my hubby on the other hand was quite content with 3 and the thought of 4 was a topic we often avoided. Regardless, I never lost hope.  I used every means possible to justify my thinking and in the end I knew my husband would never regret a 4th child, but I knew I would forever regret it if we didn't try.  That being said, I felt as though it was now or never...Baby Jack would be 2 this spring, I had just turned 35 and having them all close together was important to me.  One day, I jokingly made a deal with my hubby - if it didn't happen before Christmas, we would move on...well that seemed to get the ball rolling, that and the fact that I wasn't going to give up (not yet at least).  Technically the odds were in his favour (we only had 3 months), but considering our history...I knew we had a good chance.

Fast forward 1 month and I knew I was pregnant.  It was still so early and there wasn't a pregnancy test out there that would prove it...but I had to try.  I don't even know how many pregnancy tests I wasted that week, but they were all negative.  Finally I found it within myself to wait another few days.  Then the date I had been waiting for arrived...it was still a little early but at this point I knew if I was indeed right, the test would prove it.  I bought one more pack containing 2 test sticks.  Then I drove around aimlessly, contemplating whether or not I should wait the extra hour until I arrived home - eventually my curiosity got the best of me.  I decided to stop.  Despite my certainty, I was given another negative result.  For a period of a couple days I gave up and decided we still had a chance next month, although my confidence was declining.  Then two days later, I decided to try one last time.  It was first thing in the morning and there was barely any light coming in through the window - which didn't seem to bother me, plus the anticipation of 'not knowing' immediately was very satisfying.  No news was good news, but once I finally managed to turn the lights on there it was...the faintest line I had ever seen.  But it was there, I was sure of it.

I can't even begin to explain how excited I was that day.  It was a beautiful sunny morning in October and I was teaching at one of my favourite schools in Kleinburg.  All I wanted was to be able to share the news but I hadn't even told my husband.  Then the opportunity came at lunch when I was invited by two staff members to join them for an outdoor walk to the coffee shop.  I wasn't even planning on having a coffee, instead I was hoping that if it came up in conversation I would have the chance to share my story.  It didn't take long for our discussion to go exactly in the right direction.  Both the teachers had recently had their first child and were considering their second.  Then of course they politely asked about my family...I couldn't hold it in any longer.  I have 3 young kids I told them, and I just found out we're expecting our 4th!  All of sudden, they started to congratulate me and told me how brave my hubby and I were to be venturing into the world of 4.  To hear their words of congratulations made everything a reality.  My dream of having 4 children was finally about to begin.

Over the next few days I kept very quiet and only shared the news with one close girlfriend.  I needed someone who I felt comfortable speaking to and sharing my thoughts with...most pressing was deciding when and how was I going to tell my husband.  While I envisioned something intimate, creative and unique, I decided to go with something more "spur of the moment".  My in-laws had taken all three kids for a sleepover on the Saturday evening so on Sunday morning when we woke up it was just the two of us - a rare event to say the least.  "I'm pregnant!", I blurted out while he was getting dressed.  "I knew it", he said and then he gave me a big hug.  I suddenly felt so relieved...he was genuinely excited and that made me the happiest person in the world.  We went on with our day and decided to keep this news to ourselves for the time being.

In the days and weeks that followed we didn't talk much about the pregnancy.  I think we both felt as if we had been there done that and although we were extremely happy, it almost seemed as if we were too busy to enjoy this exciting time.  Life continued as normal and my results were confirmed by my family Doctor the following week.  The timing was perfect...by Christmas I would be over 3 months and we planned on sharing the news with our families then.  I couldn't imagine a more exciting Christmas gift to give our parents.  Now all we had to do was wait...which is easier said than done.  I didn't know how long I could keep it a secret and I was worried about starting to show.  Despite my minor concerns...I tried my best to sit back and enjoy the experience.

Then it happened...my most dreaded thought.  One morning in early November I started bleeding.  In a matter of seconds a multitude of thoughts rushed through my head.  My initial reaction was to consider the worst case scenario - a miscarriage.  I was very quick to accept this possibility.  The concern was always there considering I had already been blessed with 3 normal pregnancies and 3 beautiful children, regardless I felt as though my turn had come.  They say 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage, so I pretty much accepted this fate as inevitable.  My whole dream of having a family of 6 seemed too good to be true anyway.  Within a few minutes the bleeding had subsided and the cramping was almost gone.  I proceeded to go on with my usual morning routine.  At this point you're probably wondering why I didn't tell my husband right away and why I didn't rush to the hospital...looking back I think it's because I needed time to process everything.  It's almost as if I was trying to stop time from occurring.  At breakfast, I calmly told him what had happened.  Perhaps it was my odd behaviour that morning or maybe it was what appeared to be "my lack of concern", but more realistically it was probably just the fact that men don't worry the way women do - either way, my hubby didn't seem disturbed by the news.  He simply asked me what needed to be done and then encouraged me to make a move.  Somehow I had to get myself to the hospital, take care of 3 kids and manage to keep the entire thing a secret from our families.  Unfortunately my hubby had no choice but to go to work (he's in a family business).  If he had decided not to go in that morning we would have to lie to his parents - not something we were prepared to do.  Thankfully my close girlfriend, who was aware of the pregnancy immediately offered to take the two older kids...and so we packed all 3 of them into the car, I dropped off Hudson and Georgia and took the baby to the hospital.

The next 6 hours were almost a blur.  After arriving at emergency, I was fortunate to not have to wait very long.  Before I was even given a room, they had begun the initial tests...I was poked and prodded with needles, only to be told it was all routine.  While waiting for my first ultrasound the nurse calmly reminded me that if my cramping worsened and my bleeding returned to notify her immediately.  She told me if I passed a blood clot bigger than 1 inch, I was to show her.  I knew exactly what she was referring to and so I asked her..."is that how big the baby will be?".  She then took my hand and told me not to go there - not yet at least.  It was too late...I was already there.  As I held baby Jack in my arms, I felt so blessed to have 3 healthy, beautiful kids.  I even began to accept the idea of moving on and giving up on the idea of trying for 4.  In that moment it made more sense...why keep trying if this was indeed the end?  I didn't want to be here again...not ever.  My hubby arrived to take the baby home but I still had no answers.  I had no choice but to stay on my own while he left to pick up the other two.  After 3 ultrasounds, more blood work and what seemed like hours of waiting, the Doctor finally arrived with some answers and a diagnosis.  I had a large subchorionic hematoma (basically an internal blood clot) which likely was causing the bleeding and no fetal heart rate.  He explained that due to the size of the hematoma, it was likely the baby would not survive.  I was told I could return home but to come back immediately if I continued to bleed.  That's it...that's all you can tell me, I thought to myself.  I headed home that evening feeling frustrated and helpless - all I could do was wait...

I spent every other day at the hospital that week with continued bleeding and still no clear sign of the baby.  I insisted on them doing another ultrasound but they explained that by doing another one so soon, I would possibly be left feeling even more helpless.  I was very early and the chances of hearing a heart rate were questionable (even if the baby was healthy).  At this point we had decided to tell our parents.  I couldn't think of a worse possible way of announcing the pregnancy, but we needed help and support.  Unfortunately we were met with feelings of concern and worry (as expected)...so distant from the joyous Christmas morning announcement I had hoped for. 

Finally, the following weekend arrived.  My scheduled dating ultrasound was Saturday afternoon and thankfully my hubby was able to join me.  I lay there motionless and speechless as the technician did her job.  She was unaware of my situation and I was more comfortable keeping it that way.  Then suddenly she turned the monitor towards me and turned up the volume...for the first time I heard its heartbeat - loud and clear.  There is honestly no sound more beautiful than the tiny heart beat of an unborn child.  My fears turned to hope and for the first time all week, I felt like I could breath easy.

Of course, I was completely aware my situation and knew I was far from being in the clear but at least I could move forward knowing this baby now had a good chance.  I stopped bleeding for the most part that week, spent several hours researching my condition, spoke with several friends regarding the situation and finally had the opportunity to meet with my obstetrician.  Soon several of my questions had been answered, and I learned that hematomas are much more common than I had once thought.  The first milestone to getting through the next 6 weeks was hearing the heart beat.  Although my chances of miscarrying were still doubled, the fact that our baby had a healthy heart rate was reassurance that he or she was thriving despite my condition.

For the next 2 months I was practically put on bedrest.  Thankfully I was able to work but no heavy lifting, no exercise and as much rest as possible...easier said than done -ha!  With each passing day, I felt more and more confident.  My bleeding had completely stopped and although careful monitoring of the hematoma indicated that it wasn't going away, my doctor reassured me that the baby was continuing to do well.  By Christmas, we had decided to share the news with our extended families and close friends.  We often felt the need to explain our situation but talking about it helped.  Feeling everyone's positive vibes and hearing their words of encouragement were all we needed to take our minds to the best possible place.  In less than 6 months we were going to be a family of 6 (plus a really big dog).

2017 rolled in and within a few days I received a phone call from my OB's office.  My hematoma had resolved on its own and I was able to return to normal activities - I was even told I could start running again!  But no marathons, not yet -haha!

This entire experience opened my eyes and put into perspective what so many of my close friends and even family have had to deal with - losing an unborn child.  I try not to compare myself because everyone's situation and how they deal with it is very unique, but sometimes I feel like our situation was insignificant and small in comparison.  Then I remind myself that in life we all fight our own battles and I count my blessings everyday knowing this is one battle I've never had to fight. 

Here I am nearly 18 weeks pregnant, feeling grateful to put the past couple of months behind me.  My nausea and fatigue are finally starting to subside and with the recent positive news from my doctor I have begun to reintroduce more physical activity back into my life.  I enjoyed the break but getting active again was exactly what I needed to jump start this new year!  As my pregnancy progresses, I look forward to sharing this journey with all of you...the good, the bad and everything in between! 

Enjoy the rest of your week!