His First Day

I honestly considered skipping my blog this week and taking a break...not so much due to lack of time (although it's been a very hectic week!), but rather I was afraid to face my own emotions.  I knew once I started writing I would be forced to really think about how I was feeling and finding the motivation to get started was difficult.

But here it goes...

Last September my oldest son Hudson began Junior Kindergarten.  As hard as it was to "let go",  I knew the feelings I was experiencing were quite normal.  I was so excited for him to start school, meet new friends and begin his educational journey.  At the same time, I couldn't believe how fast 4 years had come and gone.  The night before school started I tucked him in and lay down beside him.  As he began to fall asleep I held him close and sang to him.  Something I used to do when he was a baby.  For some reason I couldn't leave him that night - I slept by his side until the morning.  When the alarm went off we jumped out of bed and began our day.  My hubby and I were so excited for him and he seemed eager and ready.  We had breakfast, waited for nana to arrive who was helping us that morning, took tons of "first day photos", then he kissed his brother and sister goodbye and hopped into the car.  At this point he was still excited...but little did he know what was about to happen.  My hubby and I walked him over to join his new classmates.  We were so thankful he already had people in his class that he knew.  When the bell went, we gave him a final kiss goodbye and sent him on his way.  Suddenly one small tear came down his face...that's when I gave him a hug and told him he could do this.  We had the option to initially join him inside the classroom but instead I said my goodbyes at the door.  I hesitated in the final moment but I managed to resist the urge to follow him in.  I waved one final goodbye through the window and blew him a kiss.  It was at that point I wanted to cry but I held in the tears - I didn't want to be the only parent there crying.  My hubby then went off to work, but not before calmly reminding me that our son would be just fine.

Here's a little recap of the days, weeks and months that followed:

His first few days in school were very challenging for him.  It was weeks before he began interacting socially with the other kids and I'll never forget the day in December when his teacher ran up to me and said "Guess what!!", Hudson had said hello for the first time during morning attendance.  That's right folks, it took our little guy over 3 months to verbally acknowledge his teachers but when he finally did, we were so proud of him.  Every little step counts.  Fast forward to the new year and his teachers began to observe a changed little boy.  He began participating in class discussions, answering questions and sharing his ideas.  Although he still needed encouragement, he was making great progress.  It was around this time my hubby and I decided to approach his teachers regarding his speech and language development.  His school and teachers were wonderful in dealing with our concerns.  Within weeks he was assessed by a speech and language pathologist and in early March we received the results of his assessment.

They began by telling us what a wonderful little boy he was, so kind, so sweet and very smart.  But unfortunately they did notice some definite issues in regards to his expression of language.  To be honest, we weren't at all surprised.  We knew that he had been struggling but at the same time he was also making incredible strides.  Immediately they began to discuss our options, highlighting a specialized kindergarten program offered through the schoolboard.  They explained that should he be accepted, he would begin the program at a new school the following September, during his Senior Kindergarten year.  Without hesitation we gave them permission to move forward with the application process...my hubby and family were delighted to hear such great news and the "teacher" inside me agreed - this was such a great opportunity!  But the "mom" inside me immediately put up my barriers and hoped that his application would be turned down.  It sounds horrible, because as a parent you try to do what's best for your child, regardless of how hard it might be...but I felt so torn.  I knew how difficult it had been for him to adjust to school and I couldn't possibly put him through that again!  A few weeks passed and we were given the news - his application had been accepted.  It was time to make our decision.

Our families were very supportive through the entire process.  They even offered to financially support his journey by hiring a private speech and language pathologist to work directly with him inside our home.  We even considered keeping him in the regular kindergarten program at his present school and having him work with various professionals outside of school hours.  As tempting as this option was, my husband was certain and I knew in my heart - this program was his best chance at success, especially if we were to combine the program with specialized help after school hours.  We decided to accept the offer, but I was yet to be convinced we had made the right choice.

His last day in Junior Kindergarten arrived and when I picked him up I watched as he gave all his friends and teachers hugs goodbye.  "See you next year" some of them yelled as they waved and headed home.  Being the quiet boy that he is, Hudson just smiled back at them but I knew how happy he was and how hard it had been for him to get there.  Right away I was reminded of the decision we had made to have him switch schools and again I began to question it.  I couldn't bring myself to tell him that day.  It was during this time my hubby and I decided we would wait to tell him.  We felt it was best to wait until closer to September, in order to avoid any worry or concerns.  I felt a little (ok a lot -ha!) better knowing I still had some time.

But the summer holidays passed by quickly as they always do and the first day of school was now just a couple weeks away.  One night as I was putting Hudson to bed I found the courage to start talking about his new school.  Mid conversation my hubby hollered from the main floor, "Hudson, the Blue Jays are catching up!  The score is 5 to 4".  I quickly glanced at him to make sure he was still paying attention and then I proceeded with what I was saying.  The entire time my heart was beating so quickly and I wondered what he was thinking.  This is good I thought to myself...he didn't seem upset or curious or happy.  No reaction was good I suppose and I finished with the question,  "What do think Hudson?"  I was ready for the worst but instead he turned to me and said, "Mommy, why are the Blue Jays loosing?" - a  sigh of frustration and relief.  "They'll catch up, don't worry", then I kissed him goodnight.  So much for breaking the news to him.  He was more concerned about his team losing than hearing about his new school.  In the days that followed we continued to talk more openly and positively about this exciting opportunity but let's be honest - he's only 4...I knew the reality hadn't set in.

Sept 5th, the first day of school was here. I drove him. We arrived a little early, the parking lot was complete chaos.  I was lucky to find a spot although I was prepared to park illegally -ha!  He was quiet, anxious and doubtful as I turned him over to one of the teachers.  Curious, I asked where his class was and I was informed that he was the only one there.  I was aware that his class size was very small, 6 students was it's capacity and considering it was the first day I understood that buses were running late, but I couldn't leave knowing he would be on his own until the others arrived.  I wanted to stay but the teachers ushered me to say my goodbyes and be on my way.  They explained that he would be integrated with the other kindergarten class until his classmates arrived.  I acknowledged their request and gave him one final kiss.  He waved goodbye to me, took a deep breath and I knew in that moment he was holding back his tears.  I watched him until he was out of sight, then I proceeded to head back to my car.  At that point I thought it was over...we did it!  We got through the first morning, but then I caught a glimpse of him at the park.  There he was all alone.  I don't think I'll ever forget that moment.  Seeing my little boy by himself in a new environment where he didn't know anyone...and the worst part was not being able to reach out and hold him, encourage him and reassure him.  I felt overwhelmed with emotions...I was angry, frustrated, hurt and feeling powerless.  Why did my little boy need extra help?  Where did I go wrong?  I literally stood there for what seemed like the entire morning and cried.  Finally I pulled myself together and decided it was time to head home.  All day I was inundated with phone calls and messages from family and friends.  Everyone was curious about how his morning had gone.  I re-told our experience as I had remembered and looking back, I suppose I was preparing everyone for the worst.

That afternoon I sat in my car waiting for the school bell to ring, anxious to hear how Hudson's first day had been.  Then I saw him and he waved at me.  I got out of the car and gave him a big hug.  There were several cars behind us so I helped him into his seat and then we were on our way.  "So how was your first day?" I asked, as we pulled out of the school parking lot.  I literally held my breath and waited for his response..."I liked it mommy and I really want to go back!".  I started to breathe again..."That's great Hudson, that makes mommy so happy".  It truly did - those words were the best words I could have heard that day. 

Sometimes as parents we need to be reminded how incredibly resilient our children are...they have the strength and ability to face new opportunities with open minds and hearts - but only when they've been given the foundation to do so.  I guess mommy and daddy must be doing something right.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!