Wanting to become pregnant one last time was a decision I didn't always feel confident about (although I never conveyed those feelings to my hubby). Instead I felt like I always had to be the positive one in order to convince him that having four children was an adventure we were ready for. That being said, I've always had my own worries and concerns. This entire journey has been about putting the past behind me and focusing on the future. With the proper resources and supports in place, I've managed to enjoy this experience and look ahead with an open mind.
My experience with post-partum anxiety...
It's now been just over 3 years since I was diagnosed with Melanoma (the most deadly form of skin cancer). The news came just months after my daughter was born in 2013. Although my initial prognosis was very positive, it remains one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. Being told I had cancer were words I never thought I would hear. Being told when I was 32, with a toddler and new born at home made my situation even more challenging. The entire experience was just over 3 months but it felt like an eternity. Looking back I remember the day I was given the all clear by one of the head skin cancer specialists at Sunnybrook. Hearing those words was the most incredible news I'd ever heard. I left the hospital that day feeling blessed, overjoyed and very confident. One obstacle, I could now put behind me...or so I thought.
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| Just days after my second surgery...the incision was on my chest (baby Georgia is covering most of it). |
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| Celebratory dinner...Jord's parents took us out to celebrate the good news! 3 months after my diagnosis I was informed that I required no further testing and my chances of the cancer returning were less than 3%. |
It wasn't until I became pregnant with our third child that my positive mindset began to shift. I found myself beginning to question everything and worrying that the cancer would return. I always felt that there was a connection between my second pregnancy and the onset of the melanoma - although I was reassured by several professionals that it was highly unlikely. Somehow I still didn't trust their advice and decided to take matters into my own hands. I was most grateful for my annual check-ups at Sunnybrook...but once a year suddenly didn't seem to suffice. As a patient I was given the option to call my doctor anytime I had any concerns. In 9 months, I requested to meet with him 3 times. A little crazy, I suppose, but his constant words of reassurance were the only thing that made me feel better. Then baby Jack arrived and with him all the hormones that somehow make every new mom a little emotional - crazy is probably a better word to describe my behaviour those first six months. I literally thought I was going to die of cancer...and not necessarily melanoma. When Jack was only 5 days old my doctor sent me for an ultrasound of my right armpit. I noticed an unusual lump in my underarm once my milk began to come in and it was concerning enough that he felt I should be sent for further tests. Thankfully it was nothing to worry about. Regardless I felt helpless and it occurred to me how quickly your life can change.
A series of events that summer and early fall lead me to develop an irrational fear of all cancers. I found myself visiting my doctor almost monthly. It was actually quite embarrassing because I knew my behaviour wasn't normal. It's ok to worry, but I was passed the stage of 'normal worry'. I was concerned not only for my own life, but for the life of my children, my husband, my family...It was overwhelming and yet I refused to accept the possibility that I needed help. Instead I began to make some major life changes. Looking back over my life I have always considered myself very healthy and overall I've taken good care of my body, but I was now at a point where I saw the need to do more. By the time baby Jack had turned 1 I had completely transitioned our entire home. I got rid of everything I considered unnatural (and started introducing products that were free of all toxins). Basically if I wasn't familiar with one of the ingredients in a product, than I refused to buy it. Everything from toothpaste to sunscreen to the foods we ate. I became especially aware of what my family was consuming in regards to nutrition and slowly began to introduce more vegetarian and even vegan options. I never sacrificed on flavour...instead I spent hours in the kitchen creating healthy, delicious meals my entire family could enjoy. Making these changes made me feel more in control and much less focused on dying of cancer. Instead I felt as though I was taking a preventative approach to all illnesses...which many would agree is a great way to live your life (I just took it to the extreme). Eventually I was torn between what I envisioned as the" perfect lifestyle" and what was actually realistic. It was almost absurd to think I could free my family of all possible toxins...unless of course we lived our lives inside a bubble...which at times I wanted to consider -ha!
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| Christmas 2015...looking as happy as ever but this photo was taken during a time when behind closed doors I was experiencing the worst of my anxiety. |
Fast forward one year later and here I am with a much healthier (and realistic) outlook on life - in the sense that my anxiety and fears in regards to cancer have definitely subsided and I've learned to accept that moderation is key to being happy and maintaining a truly healthy lifestyle. My new way of thinking takes into consideration so many better ways of looking at life:
- Hot dogs and Annie's Mac and Cheese are ok (and so yummy), once in a while.
- Whenever possible I buy foods from Ontario, I utilize what's in season and buy organic only sometimes. Our grocery bill increased substantially last year when I insisted on buying everything organic. With a fourth child on the way, we need to be smart when it comes to our grocery expenses.
- I do my research and I've learned to keep an open mind in regards to what I read and hear.
- I always take advantage of local farmers markets and I'm learning how to garden. Creating your own vegetable and herb garden can be so rewarding for the entire family (and it helps to keep your grocery bills down too).
- I use natural products whenever possible and I often buy them...who has time to make everything yourself?
- I'm now 5 months pregnant and I'm yet to request an appointment at Sunnybrook (although I'm always carefully monitoring my own body for any changes)
- I'm thoroughly enjoying being pregnant and indulging in all the foods I've been craving (my kiddies love it too!) - especially McDonalds fries!
Despite this healthy transition and new way of thinking, the concern that I'll find myself back in that horrible place I was not so long ago is always there...especially as my pregnancy progresses. The reality is, once the baby arrives I could easily slip back - who knows how my hormones will respond after giving birth to a fourth child? Regardless, I'm trying to remain confident. I constantly remind myself that the support is there if I need it and luckily for me time does heal. More importantly, knowing I've been there and never want to go back is a mindset I hope I can maintain. Also being aware of what triggers my anxiety (getting pregnant seems to be one of them), and preparing for those changes. Note to self: no more babies (after this one -ha!).
Have a wonderful week!
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